// Not my creation. Published from someone's collection
I never liked
riding a bike. It always made me too tired – the traffic, the noise, the dust and
the pain of driving were major factors behind it. Hence, I was always reluctant
to learn driving a car. Until the family pressure almost choked me, I did not
buy one either.
To my surprise, I
have actually liked driving a four-wheeler and have taken driving like boredom
to a corporate job. Even though initial days were quite edgy – banged my car on
its first morning, jammed traffic for almost half an hour, took the car to
service center for repair almost regularly during first six months but, thanks to
almighty, it all has come to a steady state. Not that I do not get any hiccups
now but I am more confident driving.
I used to believe
that traffic is equally bad anywhere you go to in India but my last trip to
Ahmedabad broke this belief. I am yet to see a city worse than Ahmedabad when
it comes to this regard. In fact, I found it so scary that I have dropped my
average speed of driving by a couple of notches after my last visit. However,
other cities I have seen are not far behind Ahmedabad.
While CEAT, in an
attempt to sell its products, claims that road is full of idiots, I would like
to stop at – road is full of drivers. Drivers are of different kinds. Here are
a few of them to have caught my eyes. Oh yes, before I start giving my side of
the story, I would like to state the standard disclaimer – please try finding
some sense in this attempt at humor and sarcasm. Any sentiments hurt are deeply
regretted.
Women Car Drivers – At the risk of
being termed a male chauvinist, I would like to say that women like seeking
questions more than the answers. They like that quizzical look on your face.
The scariest question, “Darling, am I looking fat” is the biggest
example of my theory. No man can answer this question correctly. The fear of
eating bitter gourd in lunch, dinner and the lunch next day stops them from
telling the truth. Hence, with an extreme quizzical look on their faces, men
try manufacturing the answer, which might avoid them from the wrath of bitter
gourd.
This phenomenon of
continuously asking questions is reflected in women’s driving too. Someone said
that in order to improve, one must keep questioning himself/herself. Women take
this advice very seriously.
“I’ve given the
indicator to turn right, should I turn right? However, there is lot of space on
the left side, should I turn left? What about the road ahead that is full of
empty space? Shouldn’t I be driving straight?” is what women often think while
driving. If you are driving behind such a car, I would like to wish you best of
luck. Luck is what saves me on such occasions.
Women jump as high
as cloud nine if they come across a situation, which gives them options.
Because it again gives them a question to ask – which one should I choose.
Have you ever seen
a woman in front of an empty parking lot? Well, I have seen such. With five
vacant parking lots in front of her, it took her full two minutes to decide
where she should park her car. At the end of those two minutes, she decided to
bunk those five slots and parked it somewhere else.
Women do not like
anyone passing any comments about their driving skills. They just hate it. Once
I told a female friend of mine who was driving, when she turned left without
giving indicator and did not change the gear when it was absolutely necessary,
“You are an uncultured driver”
“All you men are
same. You cannot digest the fact that a woman can drive and drive so well”. In
other words, she wanted to term me a male chauvinist. She may have wanted to
add one more word to the term “male chauvinist” but I would avoid writing it
here.
Actually, we are
male chauvinist. No matter how much we deny, we all are – especially when it
comes to driving.
Street Hawks – Next set of drivers
are of a different gender with two wheels lesser than the first set. I am not
sure if they should be called drivers or riders. For the sake of my poor
intellect, let us call them drivers.
Street hawks
believe that the city they live in is Gotham and they are all Batmen. They also
believe that police is chasing Batman, them, and Batman is running away on his
super fancy nitro-boost attached bike. They just drive, or ride, or give
jitters to everyone else who happens to be on the road. For them traffic does
not exist, forget about the traffic rules. They are often in state of Nirvana
where the surrounding world does not exist.
As a kid is always
on a lookout for chocolates, Street Hawks are always hunting for a gap.
Wherever they find it, they take a turn – damn the indicators, damn the side
mirror, damn the others. They often stare at others for not leaving sufficient
gap for them. They do not believe in the concept that not every gap can be
sufficient to drive and even if there is a sufficient gap available, it is not
necessary that one must drive through it.
Quite often Street
Hawks do wear helmets. Nevertheless, the purpose of helmets is not to protect
their head, which does need a fixing, but to hold the mobile phone so that they
could let the world know about their bravery. Quite often Street Hawks, like
their own Robin, have a pillion rider sitting with them whose sole job is to
make funny faces, give threatening scare and hurl abuses at others.
If you ever come
across a Street Hawk on the road, please stop immediately and let them pass.
Remember, he is the Batman trying to save Gotham. Problem is that you may not
be able to move at all because Gotham is full of Batmen. Irony is that even
with so many Batmen, Gotham keeps burning.
Talibani Titali (TT) – A gentle reminder – pun is intended everywhere. First, let me dedicate
a song to this group -
panchhi banu udati phirun mast gagan men
aaj main aazaad hun duniya ke chaman
men
Next kind is what I
fondly call Talibani Titali (TT). This kind is of a different gender than
Street Hawks but they are quite like Cat Women. These are Cheekas (Chics)
driving their Scooty’s/Activas/Other in the similar way as Street Hawks do and
grinning at the world with the saying – Why should boys have all the fun?
For some strange
reasons, this group like to dress up as is they are living in Taliban’s regime.
This group has their entire body covered in different form of clothing. If
women in Taliban regime are allowed to show, nothing but their eyes to the
world outside, this group covers even them – by wearing shades, which almost
covers their entire face. The face is anyhow covered with different layering of
a floral scarf. With gloves covering hands until elbow, only body part one can
see of Cheekas in this group is, assuming they are wearing sleeveless Kurtas,
are the biceps.
I hope you get the
logic behind Taliban in TT’s name.
They drive like
butterflies – free of fear and pressure of being the cynosure. When they drive
straight, they will always give a feeling that they are about to take a turn.
When they take a right turn, they would immediately turn left and drive
straight. When they take a left turn, they may take a left turn or drive
straight or take a right turn or stop immediately, stare at you, push their
vehicle with the help of their legs for a few meters, restart it and drive
again. See, they are quite like butterflies. As a butterfly spreads its wings
while flying, one can see this group often spreading their legs while driving –
maybe they feel like butterflies too.
Alas, Gotham has so
many Batmen and Cat Women yet it keeps burning.
The Cabbies – If traffic has
pushed you to extreme left of the road and you find yourself so close to the
shops at the left that you might fear hitting them, there will always be a car
driving through between you and the shops at the left. If you try noting down
the number of that car, ten out of nine times you would find the number written
in yellow background. If it is not, you can be rest assured that the number is
written incorrectly.
Cabbies have
god-gifted ability to drive through the smallest of gap – sometimes even Street
Hawks cannot do so. They have this unimaginable ability to drive through the
worst of traffic jams. They are all India’s answer to Michael Schumacher. It is
a different matter than the answer does not reach him. I am sure of ever
Schumacher happens to drive on Indian roads; he would surrender all his awards
immediately, shoot himself in shame and would like to be reincarnated as an
Indian cabbie so that he could become a better driver in his next birth.
Cabbies have such
talent.
Do you know the
kind of Cabbie I like most? The one has written at the back of his car – “In
case of rash driving, please complain at XXXX”. I have never tried calling at
any such number but would like to know if anyone has. Reason behind me not
calling at such number is the fear – what if that is driver’s number. What if
driver promises to address the issue, asks me my position, comes back and
drives over me. I would rather take my frustration out by honking.
Common-Man – This category
covers most of us if not all of us. People from both genders, or maybe all
three, belong to this group but I would keep referring to every member as “he”
– call it choosing this option for the ease of writing or call me a male
chauvinist.
A common-man can
the most dangerous driver. Because when he is driving, his mind is somewhere
else. He is thinking about different things - the tiff he had with his partner,
how crappy his boss is, soaring prices, war in Syria, how ruling party is
looting his beloved country; his opposition party is allowing that loot, how it
is all chaos at the roads, how he has to manage driving on almost non-existent
roads, how he can do nothing but honk to take his frustration out. He also
thinks how not just his vehicle but the entire country should be driven by him
– the common-man. Alas, he cannot do anything but pray and try to drive safe.
Common-man is like
the Cashier Jack Nicholson talks about in movie Anger Management. Common-man is
just building up that anger in his silence and I am sure, one day he will get
up and shoot everyone, take the steering/handle in his own hands and drive this
country.
I am sure that day
is not far away or at least I hope that day is not far away.
Until that arrives, I would like to wish all of you
a very happy and safe drive.
